


Let Me Apologize

by thedarksidestolemycookies



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Threats of Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-01-21 03:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1536455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedarksidestolemycookies/pseuds/thedarksidestolemycookies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton's band mates don't know why he's gone back into his protective shell again, keeping everyone out.</p><p>They have their suspicions but Ashton won't say a thing.</p><p>Until after an argument he breaks and tells Michael everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Bracelets Hide My Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: References to Self-Harm  
> May Trigger
> 
> None of this is real, well, I hope it isn't.

Ashton could feel the bracelets scraping away at the half healed cuts on his wrists, he just couldn't show the pain on his face.

"First night on tour!" Ashton could hear his bandmates celebrate from the front of the bus whilst he hid away in his bunk, feigning sleep.

He didn't deserve to be happy.

His name was Ashton Fletcher Irwin and there were laws against Ashton Fletcher Irwin being happy.

It's illegal for him to be happy.

"Keep it down Mikey, Ash is asleep." Ashton could hear Luke reminding Mikey that the waste of space was trying to sleep.

He could feel the tears running down his face as he scrolled through his Twitter mentions, purposely reading the nasty ones. The hateful ones.

And to Ashton they were the truthful ones.

@Ashton5SOS so ugly, lyke pls stop

@Ashton5SOS talentless oaf

@Ashton5SOS he lyke totes can't play da drums

@Ashton5SOS get outta da band, u fugly

@Ashton5SOS cant even sing, thers a reson we neva hear him

@Ashton5SOS die.

The last one did it.

He wanted to run back into the bathroom and add to the six bloody lines on each wrist.

But he couldn't.

One of the lads would see him, ask what's wrong.

Ashton doesn't want to trouble any of them, he's troubled them enough.

"-checking on Ash."

Ashton froze, shoving his phone under his pillow, causing the bracelets to be shoved up his arm, accidently reopening the cuts.

They immediately started bleeding and Ashton tries to hide his arm under the many layers he has on his bed.

But he'll have to explain the patch of blood on the sheets.

The curtain was moved aside slowly and Ashton kept his eyes closed, hoping Luke would go soon.

"He asleep?" Michael joined Luke.

"Think so." Calum answered.

Brilliant, Ashton has three people watching him "sleep'.

"I just don't get what's wrong with him." Luke sighed and Ashton's heart sped up.

They were going to decide to kick him out the band.

They were going to find out about everything and kick him out of the band.

"He just seems so upset again recently." Michael sighed.

"You don't think..." Calum left it open.

They found out last time and Ashton didn't want them to find out this time.

He made Luke cry last time, another thing to apologize for.

He had to apologize for so many things.

"I don't want him to." Luke said softly. "Why would he do that to himself?"

Ashton knew the answer.

Ashton thought he deserved it.

"I don't know Lukey." Calum sighed.

"Do you reckon he'd wake up if I checked his wrists?" Michael asked.

Please don't, Ashton thought, he didn't want him to.

"He might wake up, just try tomorrow to see if you notice anything." Calum advised.

"Should we hide his razor?" Luke suggested in a small voice.

Please don't, Ashton thought, he didn't want them to.

"It's best if we didn't." Michael sighed. "If he has started again I don't want him to know that we know until we've spoken about it."

"When should we speak to him?" Luke asked. "I don't want him hurting himself."

Ashton bit back a sob.

He knew they only didn't want the hassle to get a new drummer should Ashton choose to end it.

But ending it wasn't allowed because that would let Ashton leave this world and be happy.

And Ashton wasn't allowed to he happy.

He finally heard the boys close the curtains on his bunk with a sigh and he waited until he was certain they were gone.

He then sat up, pulling a strip of bandage from under his pillow before assessing the damage.

Undoing the bracelets that adorned his wrist made him feel a little sick as he stared at the old and new scars that decorated his wrist.

He knew if he took the bracelets on his right hand off it'd be the same.

Wincing slightly he wrapped the bandage tightly around the slashes that were still oozing blood.

He slipped his bracelets back on afterwards, making sure they covered the thin bandage until you couldn't tell it was there.

Ashton lay back down, curled up on his side, wondering how to explain the blood on his sheets.

Nosebleed?

They might believe that excuse, he'd used it before.

As he lay there, willing himself to go to sleep the curtain opened again.

This time he rolled over to face Luke.

"Hey Lukey." Ashton whispered.

"You've been crying?" Luke looked upset.

Ashton knew Luke was only feigning caring behavior.

"It's nothing Luke." Ashton gave Luke a weak smile.

"No, there's obviously something wrong." Luke persisted.

"I'm fine." Ashton shook his head. "What's up with you?"

"Just checking on you." Luke gave him a hopeful smile.

"Does that mean you want a huggie buddy tonight?" Ashton couldn't help but offer.

"When do I not?" Luke grinned, happy to see Ashton in a better mood.

"Come on then. Wait- one sec, just need to change the sheet." Ashton got up, throwing the duvet and about ten blankets on the floor, along with the six pillows he had arranged.

"Ash that's blood." Luke gasped.

"I errrr-" Ashton's eyed his bracelets. "One of my bracelets. Well I was asleep so I don't know how I did it but my bracelet cut my wrist."

"You okay?" Luke looked a little fearful.

"I'm fine Lukey."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Ashton hated making promises to Luke.

He could never keep them.


	2. Luke Manages To Make Ashton Smile

Ashton knew the boys were watching him closely so he somehow managed to stay away from his razor for a week until they reached the hotel.

How he managed it he didn't know.

His wrists ached so much.

"Ashton, you alright sharing with Luke?" Michael's voice brought him back to reality.

"Huh? Oh, share with Luke? Course I will." He nodded, knowing Luke normally slept like the dead so he would wake up when Ashton went to the bathroom at night.

Luke smiled at him, a wide happy smile.

Ashton hated knowing that it'd be his fault if Luke found out about his habit returning and happy Luke disappeared, and the sad, crying Luke from last time they found out returned.

He trailed after them up to the hotel rooms that were side by side.

"C'mon Ash, all our cases our up and stuff." Luke beckoned him into their room when he saw the apprehensive expression Ashton knew was on his face.

Ashton put a fake smile on his face, following Luke into the room that could honestly be described as an apartment.

"Pretty awesome or what?" Luke laughed as he dived on the couch.

Ashton grinned and sat on Luke's stomach.

"Jeez Ash!" Luke yelped. "Why are you so light?"

Ashton frowned. Was Luke just being nice?

"I'm not light." He shook his head.

"You're like a fucking feather mate." Luke poked Ashton. "You need new jeans if you want 'skinny' jeans. Yours used to be as tight as hell."

"I suppose you're right." A genuine smile covered Ashton's face.

He'd finally lost weight!

"We can go get some tomorrow if you want?" Luke offered. "Or we could order some online."

"Online?" Ashton gave Luke a smile, he didn't want to be seen in public.

"Now or later?" Luke asked.

"Later." Ashton decided. He wanted to prolong the time until he had to buy more clothes that would help him be ugly.

"So what do you want to do now?" Luke asked him, obviously wanting to spend time with him for some obscure reason.

"Your decision." Ashton shrugged.

"Movie night?" Luke suggested.

Ashton smiled and nodded. It'd been a while since he'd gotten to watch a film with Luke. ''I'll go fetch the pillows and stuff from our rooms, you make popcorn.'' He told Luke.

''Onesies?'' Luke suggested and was happy to see the smile on Ashton's face.

''Onesies.'' Ashton nodded, unable to stop his smile.

''Mikey and Cal?'' Luke asked.

Ashton shook his head. ''Lashton movie night. Malum can have their own.'' The names he read on Twitter accidently fell out of his mouth.

To Ashton's suprise Luke burst out laughing. ''Looks like you've finally joined the dark side.'' Luke grinned.

''The dark side?'' Ashton bit his lip.

''Don't look so worried silly!'' Luke grinned. ''Actually you just look cute.''

Ashton went bright red which sent Luke into fits of laughter again.

''Lukey!'' Ashton poked Luke's shoulder.

''Sorry Ash, you looked so worried.'' Luke finally stopped laughing. ''You looked cute.''

''I'm not cute.'' Ashton shook his head.

''Yes you are Ash.'' Luke grinned. ''Go put your onesie on and get the blakets and stuff. I'll make some popcorn and go get my onesie on.''

Ashton sighed and headed into his room, grabbing his suitcase off the floor and hurling it onto his bed.

He quickly found his new onesie, a koala, and changed, pulling the duvet, blankets and pillows off his bed to drag them into the main room where he threw them on the sofa. 

''Lukey?'' Ashton shouted.

''In the kitchen, feel free to go grab the stuff out of my room!'' Luke shouted back, a little confused.

He was a little confused because it was a common occurance for the band memebers to walk in while another was changing.

Once upon a time he'd been in the fucking shower and Ashton had sat on the sink talking to him because he was bored and Cal and Mikey wouldn't entertain him.

But now Ashton knocked instead of barging in like he used to.

''Luke?'' He heard Ashton shout, just as the microwave finished.

''I'll be two seconds, pick a film!'' Luke called back.

Ashton looked at the films he was holding in his hands just as Luke walked into room.

''Which one?'' He held up the selection.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four hours later and Ashton was comforting the crying Luke Hemmings.

''Why did he do it Ash?'' Luke sobbed into his shoulder.

''Maybe he felt like it was just his time to go Lukey.'' Ashton rubbed Luke's back, trying to comfort his grieving bandmate.

''Why though?'' Luke clung to him, sobbing his eyes out.

Ashton was feeling a little uncomfortable. He didn't know how he could explain what could lead to suicide without making it sound like he'd contemplated it himself.

He'd been feeling uncomfortable since Luke had got the call off his mum to explain his cousin had taken his own life by slitting his wrists open and letting them bleed out.

Luke had been sobbing and clinging to Ashton since.

''How about I go get Mikey and Cal, hmm?'' Ashton tried to soothe Luke. ''They can come round and we'll send one of them to get ice cream and pizza and then we'll carry on watching films until you fall asleep and have a little chat when you wake up?''

''Don't leave me.'' Luke's grip on him tightened. ''Don't you dare leave me.''

''I won't.'' Ashton said but it lacked conviction.

''No, Ash you don't get it.'' Luke sat back and stared into his eyes. ''Don't ever leave me.'' Luke picked up Ashton's wrists gentlely. ''Don't you dare. You can't go and you can't leave me.''

For the first time in what felt like forever Ashton felt like someone truly would miss him if he did go. And he knew he had to try and cheer Luke up. So with a deep breath he opened his mouth and promised.

Ashton promised Luke he'd never leave him.


	3. You Cut Me Open

Later that night after Luke had gone to sleep and Calum and Michael had gone back to their rooms Ashton found himself sat on the cold bathroom floor, his razor mere millimetres from his wrist, his hand trembling.

He couldn't bring himself to do it.

For the first time in forever Ashton couldn't hurt himself.

Normally he found it hard to stop but tonight he couldn't start.

Not after what he had promised Luke before, knowing how, ignore the bad word choice, knowing how cut up Luke had been about his cousin.

Feeling proud of himself Ashton stood up, putting his razor away, putting his bracelets back on.

He walked to the bathroom door, opening it, wanting to tell Luke how he had stopped himself.

But Luke was stood there, tears in his eyes again, his eyes immediately falling down to Ashton's bracelet adorned wrists.

''You've started again haven't you?'' Luke said in a cold voice which shocked Ashton. ''Even after tonight you can't stop can you?'' As Luke continued talking Ashton's mouth went dry, unable to form words to defend himself. ''You don't care about how any of us feel about this Ashton do you? You don't care that one morning your bed might be cold, unslept in and we find you stone cold on the bathroom floor, red staining the tiles round you. YOU DON'T CARE!'' Luke's raised voice made Ashton flinch. ''Am I scaring you Ashton?'' Luke almost growled. ''Good. Because guess what? I'm cutting you loose. You aren't bound by the promise you made me earlier. Go ahead, kill yourself but don't expect me to show up at your funeral. It'll be good riddance to bad rubbish. You're a crap drummer, I never wanted you in the band. Michael forced me to let you because he thought you were cute. You're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly, you can't drum, you act like-''

Ashton couldn't take it anymore. He shoved past Luke and ran out of the hotel room.

He pounded on the door of Michael, and Calum's room, shaking.

He had to know if they thought the same.

It only took a minute for Michael to open the door.

And immediately Ashton broke down sobbing into Michael's arms.

''I didn't do it Mikey, I swear.'' Ashton sobbed.

''What are you talking about Ash?'' Michael carefully steered him into the room, shutting the door gently behind them before carrying Ashton to the sofa.

''I swear I didn't do it Mikey, I couldn't. I stopped myself.'' Ashton continued to sob.

''Where's Luke?'' Michael asked him, earning a whimper in response.

''He yelled at me Mikey, he told me the truth.'' Ashton looked at his bandmate with tearful eyes. ''I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I can't drum, I act like a five year old. You only let me in the band because I was the only drummer in the area that wasn't in a band, and apparently I was 'cute' so you thought I'd be a girl magnet for the band. But I'm not. I can't sing, I can't drum, everyone hates me, I'm ugly, I'm-''

''Ashton shut up.'' Michael wouldn't let him continue. ''None of that is true.''

''Luke told me it though.'' Ashton bit his lip. ''It's true Mikey.'' He shook his head. ''Trying to persuade me otherwise won't work anymore.''

''Ashton Fletcher Irwin.'' Michael said sternly. ''None of what you said is true. Come on, tell me why Luke said it.''

''You know about that problem I had a few years back?'' Ashton refused to make eye contact.

''Yes.'' Michael nodded.

''And recently you thought I had relapsed into it again?'' Ashton continued, his voice trembling.

Michael gave him a small nod.

''You were right. It was about a month ago, I don't want to talk about why the memory is horrific.'' Ashton shuddered, the memory of that night echoing in his mind. He never wanted to have to go through it again. ''I know about the conversation you had on the first night of the tour, I was awake. But I managed to last until today. But seeing Luke look so broken drove me back in the bathroom after you left and I thought he was asleep. I must of sat there for about half an hour, the razor millimetres away from my wrist. But look...''

Ashton took his bracelets off slowly, showing his wrists to Michael. ''I didn't do it. I couldn't do it.''

Michael couldn't describe the look on Ashton's face, he looked so proud of himself before his expression turned back into one of a kicked puppy.

''I opened the bathroom door, wanting to run into Luke's room to wake him up and tell him. but he was stood there, looking so cold. Then he told me the tru-''

''He told you the lies.'' Michael changed the end of his sentence.

"But-"

"No buts Ash." Michael cut him off. "I'm proud of you. Luke was being stupid. Cal will be proud off you too."

"Where's Cally?" Ashton asked.

"I'll go fetch him." Michael moved to stand up but Ashton clung onto the hem of his shirt.

"Don't leave me. Luke might-"

"Luke isn't here Ash, don't worry. How about you come see Cal with me and we'll send him next door to make sure Luke's not being stupid still." Michael smiled at Ashton.

"Mikey can you promise me something?" Ashton found himself saying.

"What is it?" Michael sat back down.

"I have to tell you something. Like a secret something." Ashton decided it was time to be truthful.

"How about we send Cal next door and then we'll discuss this?" Michael offered.

Ashton nodded, deciding it was a better idea.

Ten minutes later and Ashton had his head in Michael's lap, looking at Michael with big sad eyes.

"Promise not to judge me." Ashton broke the silence.

"What do you mean?" Michael frowned.

"Please Mikey." He sighed.

"Ok." Michael nodded and a small wave of relief went through Ashton.

"Do you remember about a month ago we had to go to that party?" Ashton sighed miserably.

Michael just nodded.

"And I went missing and came home the next day refusing to talk."

Michael nodded again.

"Do you remember the boy who wouldn't stop staring at me all night?"

"Ash, what are you trying to tell me?" Michael looked very worried.

Ashton sat up, shuffling round so he was facing Michael instead.

"You and Calum went off to find someone and Luke wandered off. He came over and-" Ashton trailed off.

''Ashton, what did he do?'' Michael asked him gently.

''He shoved me against the wall, he wouldn't stop kissing and touching. When I tried to shove him away he just punched me in the stomach a few times until I stopped. ''Ashton choked out in a trembling voice. ''Then you walked back into the room and he let me go, threatening me about next time we met. He promised he'd be back. I don't want him to.''

Michael looked stunned. ''Oh god Ash, I'm so sorry we left you!'' Michael groaned. ''No wonder you looked ready to cry when we joked about him being your boyfriend because he wouldn't stop staring.''

Ashton sighed. He was always the joke, the boys never knew which jokes hurt though.


	4. Seeing Him

Ashton refused to speak to anyone but Michael for the next two days, swapping rooms with Calum and point blank refusing to see Luke.

Luke had given up bugging Calum and Michael to let him see Ashton, he knew Michael probably wouldn't let him near Ashton for a long time.

 

But they had a show tonight and Ashton felt sick to his stomach about it.

He had actually been physically sick once that day and Michael didn't know what to do with him.

''Hey, c'mon Ashy, you'll do great out there tonight!'' Michael tried to comfort his miserable friend.

'I'll do something stupid like break the drums again.'' Ashton sighed, looking at Michael with tired eyes.

''No you won't.'' Michael gave him an encouraging smile. ''You'll be great.''

''What about Lu-''

''Ignore Luke.'' Michael interrupted before he finished. ''Just ignore him.''

''But I wan-''

''Nope.'' Michael cut him off again. ''You aren't allowed to forgive him, at least not until he apologizes in a way I approve of.''

Ashton sighed, he knew when Michael had decided something nothing could influence his decision and change it. ''Ok. No forgiving until he gives an apology satisfactory of Michael.'' He nodded. ''Where is he anyway?''

''With Calum. I think he might do something drastic on stage to make you forgive him. Like serenade you or something.'' Michael informed him. ''He seemed to be in 'thinking mode' apparently."

"If he serenades me what do I do?" Ashton asked.

"Depending on the song you kiss him." Michael teased.

"MIKEY!" Ashton slapped the back of Michael's head.

"Ok, ok, you don't kiss him, you forgive him and then later tonight he sneaks into your room at your request and you have wild, passionate-"

"MIKEY!" Ashton yelled again, turning bright red.

"Find, no kissing, no sex, you're not leaving me with much to work with here." Michael faked sadness.

"There are times I really hate you."

 

 

 

Ashton almost screamed when he saw they boy hovering next to their stage manager later that evening, just before they were due on stage.

"Boys, this is my nephew, he's a stage manager in training, he'll be helping me the next few weeks." Their stage manager, Tate, introduced the boy and Ashton was internally screaming.

Because the boy next to Tate was the boy from the party.

Ashton couldn't stop shaking after he walked off stage that night.

He wouldn't admit it to Michael but he was terrified.

He was yet to tell Michael their new stage manager in training was the boy from the party.

Luke had been shooting him apologetic looks the entire time they were on stage, Ashton was just glad it wasn't a common occurrence because he was sat behind Luke on the drums, meaning people would be confused as to why the lead singer kept turning round and staring at the hopeless drummer.

Michael had come and sat on his knee a few times between songs, making the crowd scream.

Michael had just waved and rolled his eyes before asking if he was ok.

Ashton had just said yes.

And now they had to go and say a proper 'hello' to the new stage manager in training.

Ashton would've rather sat through a hour long repeat of Luke yelling at him rather than meet him.

"Hi there, I'm Aiden Williamson." The smiling boy was stood there as Ashton trooped off stage behind everyone else, Michael and Calum acting like a human wall between him and Luke.

"I'm Luke, really nice to meet you." Luke stepped forward and shook Aiden's hand.

Ashton felt sick as Aiden went down the line, shaking Cal and Mikey's hands until he was stood in front of Ashton, his face breaking into a huge grin.

"Ashton, great to see you again!"

Ashton felt himself be manhandled into a hug.

"Hi Aiden." Ashton felt forced to put a fake smile on his face when Aiden released him.

"Fancy seeing you again!" Aiden shot him a smirk.

"You two know each other?" Luke asked, Ashton noticing he had a harsh undertone to his voice.

"We've met." Ashton's mouth opened before he could stop himself.

"When?" Luke asked, Ashton picking up on the harsh tone again.

"About a month ago." Aiden shrugged.

Ashton managed to make eye contact Michael, a rather worried looking Michael.

"It was at a party." Ashton mumbled and Michael's eyes widened.

"We spoke for a while before he disappeared off to find you lot." Aiden lied, putting a charming smile on his face.

Luke and Aiden seemed to get pretty engaged in conversation before it was decided that they should head back to the hotel and meet up with Aiden tomorrow.

"Hey Ashton." Aiden called just as he was walking away.

"Yeah?" Ashton cursed his voice for trembling slightly.

"Can I speak to you a second, it's about your drums." Aiden grinned and Ashton knew that the conversation wouldn't actually happen.

But knowing he couldn't say no Ashton waved Michael on and walked back towards Aiden.

"Hey sweetie, miss me?" Aiden smirked, his eyes shamelessly roaming over Ashton's body.

Ashton didn't have a chance to respond, he was roughly shoved against the wall and a tongue stuck in his mouth.

 

 

Ashton's hands shook as Aiden watched him type out the text.

'Head back to the hotel guys, they want me to run through a few songs on the drums. Apparently they think something is wrong with them, they want to check.'

 

Ashton quickly sent it to the group before looking back up at Aiden.

''Happy now?'' Ashton glared at Aiden.

''Extremely sweetie.'' Aiden gave him a smirk. ''So what do you want to do babe?''

''Stop with the nicknames.'' Ashton tried to back away as Aiden pressed closer against his chest.

''ASH!'' Michael's voice yelled and Aiden recoiled like a snake.

''You said you sent it!'' Aiden hissed.

''I did!'' Ashton nodded frantically.

Unbeknownst to Michael he had just made life harder for Ashton.

''Well sweetie, looks like you're having to come with me.'' Aiden glared at Ashton who immediatly started shaking.

''What do you mean?'' Ashton ventured to ask.

''You're coming back to my hotel with me.'' Aiden smirked.

''Please Aiden, please don't.'' Ashton begged as Aiden grabbed his upper-arm in a steel like grip, dragging Ashton away from Michael's voice.

''You sound hot when you beg.'' Aiden gave him a sick grin. ''And if you dare shout for your little friend there will be consequences.''

Ashton shut his mouth, he'd been about to shout Michael.

''Good boy.'' Aiden smirked.

 

 

 

 

Several hours later Ashton stumbled back into his shared hotel room with Michael in tears.

Thankfully it hadn't gone too far, Aiden had just kissed him and barely took his hands off Ashton.

But in Ashton's mind he felt disgusted with himself.

''Ash?'' Michael's voice made him freeze as he attempted to sneak into his room.

''He's back?'' Calum's relieved voice made Ashton wince.

He'd made them worry about him.

They weren't supposed to worry, they were meant to hate him.

''Ashy?'' Luke nervous voice made him panic.

Luke was there.

Luke was going to yell at him again.

Instead of responding Ashton ran into his room, slamming the door shut behind him, sunk down to the floor and sobbed.

"Ash, open the door for fucks sake!" Michael groaned, pounding on the door to Ashton's room.

Ashton shook his head to himself. "Go away Michael."

"Come on, I'm not asking you to build a fucking snowman, I just want you to talk to us." Michael rested his head against the door.

"Ash please." Calum tried.

"Is Luke there?" Ashton's muffled voice came through the door.

"I can go?" Luke offered quietly to Michael and Calum.

"He's here." Calum answered Ashton, ignoring Luke's suggestion.

"Will he yell at me again?" Ashton's voice quivered and he cursed himself for sounding pathetic.

"No." Luke answered. "I'm sorry Ashton, I was mad, it was the grief talking."

The lock clicked and Ashton opened the door, not looking up, staring at the floor.

Luke's gaze was immediately drawn to Ashton's wrists which were bare of bracelets for once.

"I wanted to tell you something but you wouldn't let me." Ashton said in a small voice, holding out his wrists for Luke to see clearly, still not looking up though. "I didn't do it. I sat there for about half an hour, but I couldn't do it. I opened the bathroom door and..."

Ashton trailed off, finally looking up and meeting Luke's eyes.

"I'm sorry." Ashton whispered.

Luke's jaw dropped. "What the hell are you saying sorry for? I'm sorry Ashton. I know this is a shitty way to apologize, I should of taken Calum's idea to serenade you."

At that Ashton managed a small smile while Michael smirked.

"Why's Mikey smirking like a supervillain who just got his hands on a crate of live explosives?" Luke asked Ashton.

"He was joking about what I should do if you serenaded me. As you know Michael doesn't have the cleanest mind around." Ashton shuffled his feet nervously.

"Shit, what was he saying?" Luke asked.

"You don't want to know." Ashton shook his head.

"Can we change topic as to why you're crying?" Calum ventured.

Immediately Ashton looked like he was going to slam the door in their faces again.

And he was sorely tempted.

Instead he let out a nervous laugh. "Oh its nothing, my friend called me to tell me his dog died. I burst into tears for some reason."

"What was the dog called?" Michael asked.

"Errrr... Rover." Ashton said the first stereotypical dog's name he could think of.

"Right..." Michael nodded slowly.

"I'm going to get some sleep." Ashton gave a nervous smile.

"Can we talk?" Luke stopped him.

"Errr..."

"Not now." Luke said quickly. "Like in the morning?"

"Ok." Ashton nodded.

"Night Ash." Calum smiled at him.

"See you in the morning." Luke had a huge smile on his face.

"See you in a bit Ash, no doubt you'll come annoy me in an hour or two." Michael hinted he'd be coming to speak to Ashton as soon as Luke and Calum left.

"Yeah, probably." Ashton nodded before retreating back into his room.

"I don't believe him." Calum announced as the remaining three of them collapsed onto the sofas.

"I'm such an idiot." Luke groaned in response.

"The idiot couldn't think of a better name than Rover?" Michael muttered.

"He won't tell us what's wrong, I just want to help!" Calum groaned. "He hadn't dropped any hints around you has he Mikey?"

Michael shifted nervously, refusing eye contact with Calum.

"Wait he's actually told you?" Calum's jaw dropped.

"He broke down the other night." Michael sighed. "It's not my place to tell you what was said, just don't push him into giving you answers. He'll tell you soon, I'm positive."

''You sure?'' Calum asked.

Michael nodded, but he wasn't certain.

 

 

 

''Ash?'' Michael knocked on Ashton's door about an hour later.

''Hey Mikey.'' A tired looking Ashton opened the door.

''We need to talk.'' Michael sighed.

Ashton nodded. ''I know.''


	5. The Universe Hates Ashton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashton wants to talk to Luke and Calum but then Aiden turns up...

''Ash?'' Michael knocked on Ashton's door about an hour later.

''Hey Mikey.'' A tired looking Ashton opened the door.

''We need to talk.'' Michael sighed.

Ashton nodded. ''I know.''

"Is Aiden the guy from the party?" Michael got straight to the point.

"Yes." Ashton shuddered.

"Where were you before?" Michael bit his lip.

"I got dragged back to his hotel room." Ashton started shaking.

"Shit." Michael's jaw dropped. "He didn't... He didn't you know... You know... R-r-r-"

"No." Ashton saved Michael from saying it. "He just kissed me a lot, didn't take his hands off me, that sort of stuff. The most he did was take my top off."

Ashton burst into tears after saying that and Michael just pulled Ashton onto his lap, gently stroking Ashton's hair. "Hey, it's alright, don't cry."

"I'm disgusting Michael, I let his kiss me!" Ashton sobbed.

"You're anything but disgusting Ash, he's the sick one." Michael comforted the crying boy.

"Luke's going to hate me more when he finds out. Calum will think I'm disgusting!" Ashton ignored Michael's words. "I'm horrid."

"Luke adores you Ash, he really wants to say a proper sorry. Calum wouldn't do that even if he was paid a billion." Michael sighed. "C'mon Ashy, think realistically. Calum can't say anything about kissing boys, neither can I actually, don't you remember when me and Cal kissed when we were drunk?"

"You were drunk though. I was sober before and mostly sober at the party." Ashton sighed.

Michael's face flooded with colour. ''Actually, I wasn't drunk...''

''You were the one who enitiated the kiss.'' Ashton pointed out.

''Yeah...'' Michael bit his lip. ''Me and Cal haven't spoken about it since, I think he was too drunk to remember it happening.''

''Would you do it again?'' Ashton asked.

Michael smiled, glad he'd distracted Ashton from the topic of Aiden. ''I'm not going to deny that I wouldn't happily do it again.''

Ashton's face lit up. ''Just kiss him. If you like him just kiss him.''

Michael sighed. ''He might hate me afterwards.''

''And? You'll of gotten a kiss out of it.'' Ashton pointed it out mischeviously.

''I wish I could.'' Michael sighed.

''It'll be a way to tell him you like him. Just don't be a phsycotic freak that continues kissing him if he tries to push you away and then tell him that you'll see hm again very soon.''

Michael almost groaned. They'd gotten back to the Aiden topic.

''Ash?'' Michael stared at Ashton.

''Yeah?'' Ashton cursed at how nervous he sounded.

''Do me a favor and forget about him until next time we encounter him." Michael requested.

Ashton sighed. "No promises but I'll try." He reluctantly agreed. "But I can't tell Luke or Cal. Not yet."

Michael cursed internally. The two were already suspicious and knew Michael knew. If they couldn't get an answer out of Ashton they'd try and get an answer out of him.

"They suspect something don't they?" Ashton sighed, guessing why Michael was silent.

"Yes." Michael nodded. "Calum more than Luke but... Well..."

"Luke will probably figure it out next time he sees me around Aiden." Ashton finished what Michael was trying to say. "Luke has a habit of working things out by himself. And then he'll be mad at me because I didn't tell him myself."

"If he figures it out he'll understand why you haven't told him, he's not exactly been your best friend these past few days." Michael comforted Ashton who had a forlorn expression on his face.

"I want to tell him before he guesses it though, he'll probably jump to the wrong conclusion." Ashton sighed. "He'll probably think Aiden is my boyfriend, not an overly attached person I met at a party."

Michael grimaced, he hadn't thought about that. "We've got two, no three nights until the next show, one more day here, travelling the next, and then on Wednesday it'll be the night of the show. If you're going to tell him it'd better be tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. "

"How do I tell him?" Ashton asked. "And if I tell Luke I'll have to tell Calum as well."

Michael groaned, knowing Ashton was telling the truth. "Will you tell them one at a time or together?" He asked, rather curious as to what Ashton's decision would be.

"Separate." Ashton decided. "I couldn't deal with their reactions together."

"I could tell one of them if you want?" Michael offered.

Ashton grinned. "Just because you want to spend time staring into Cal's eyes like a Disney Princess meeting her Prince."

Michael's face lit up, that had been the happiest expression he'd seen on Ashton's face for a long time. And he was being cheeky too, something that always signified he was in a good mood.

"I don't stare." Michael muttered.

Ashton found himself laughing. "Of course you don't, you just gaze at him for long lengths of time." Ashton teased.

"Do not!" Michael protested.

"You do." Ashton smirked.

"There are times when I curse that you are so observant." Michael huffed, standing up. "Get some sleep, you have to talk to Luke tomorrow."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll send Luke over." Michael called as he closed the door behind him, leaving an extremely nervous Ashton Irwin sat on the sofa, staring at the door.

He was going to talk to Luke.

Basically he was screwed.

Luke would see how pathetic he is and leave, giving Ashton the right insults as he left.

Well they wouldn't be insults, they'd be the truth.

They'd be the truth to Ashton.

He was pulled from his thoughts when there was a nervous knock on the door.

Shaking slightly a nervous Ashton walked over and opened it for an equally nervous Luke Hemmings.

Ashton was at loss for something to say.

Luke was too.

They sat on the sofa cross legged and facing each other neither of them knowing what to say.

Eventually Luke sighed and gave Ashton a devastated look. "I'm sorry Ash." Luke looked down, trying to stop Ashton from noticing the tears welling up in his eyes. "I know you won't forgive me, what I said... I shouldn't of said it. I jumped to the wrong conclusion, just like I always do. I should of realized there was probably a reason why the smile on your face made you look like you'd won the lottery. Instead I yelled at you, I yelled all the stupid stuff on Twitter that horrible people say about you, the stuff I hate seeing in my news feed. I'm an idiot."

"You think I wouldn't forgive you?" Ashton asked in a small voice.

Luke looked up in surprise. "Why would you?" He asked.

"You had every right to yell at me." Ashton sighed. "All the stuff you said was the truth I needed to face."

Ashton watched as the sad look on Luke's face turned into one of complete shock.

"No." Luke shook his head. "No, no, no, no, n, n, n, n, no." He continued to shake his head. "Nuh-uh. It wasn't the truth, don't you dare think like that."

"But-"

"No buts." Luke said sternly. "You're the best drummer I know, I love it when you act all silly. You're an amazing singer, you're one of the hottest guys I know, it was a group decision to have you in the band but I suggested it. You aren't fat at all, you exercise more than me when you're on the drums. You turn heads when you walk through the door because everyone thinks you're hot. Dude, if I swung that way and you did too I won't deny the fact I'd be all over you."

Luke's face heated up as he said the last part.

They'd been a reason he'd gotten so upset and angry over Ashton's habit.

He actually did like the other boy in  _that_ way.

Ever since he'd first met Ashton he thought he was beautiful.

But Ashton was the only guy he found himself attracted too, he still seemed to like girls, so Luke had come to the conclusion he was bi.

Ashton smirked slightly, Luke's words making him happier. "You think I'm hot?"

Luke blushed ever so slightly more. "Well..."

"Don't worry, you're not the only one." Ashtob shuddered, deciding it was the perfect time to tell Luke about Aiden's obsession with him.

"What do you mean?" Luke frowned, immediately knowing something was wrong.

Ashton bit his lip, unable to figure out the right words to tell Luke what had happened at the party about a month ago and what had happened last night.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell me, you've got every right not to." Luke gave Ashton a comforting smile.

"Luke I've forgiven you. You deserve to know." Ashton sighed, feeling nervous.

"Know what?" Luke asked.

"Why I started cutting again."

And that one sentence made Luke's blood run cold.

"Are you sure you want to tell me this?" Luke's voice wobbled.

"Yes." Ashton nodded, trying to ignore the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Honestly Ash, don't tell me if you can't." Luke said gently.

"I  _want_ to tell you." Ashton decided, there was no going back. Not now.

Luke nodded, giving him an encouraging smile.

The words tumbled out of Ashton's mouth and Luke's face started falling.

"I met Aiden at that party we got sent to about a month ago."

Luke looked puzzled. "What's that got to do with this?"

"Everything." Ashton looked troubled. "Luke I-"

There was a sudden knock on the door which cut Ashton off.

"I'll get that." Luke hopped up and ran to get the door, leaving Ashton alone on the sofa.

"Aiden!" Luke's thrilled voice met Ashton's ears and he froze.

Ashton begged his imagination to be working overtime and he didn't just hear Aiden's voice.

"Look who's here Ash!" Luke's cheery voice made Ashton turn around, a feeling of dread in his stomach.

"Hello Aiden." Ashton sighed.

Ashton felt like the universe hated him.


	6. Luke and Calum Are Curious

Michael shook Ashton again, trying to get him to wake up.

"Ash!" Michael yelled down Ashton's ear and he woke up with a start.

"Leave me alone Aiden!" Ashton sat bolt upright.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's ok, it's me. Michael. Mike. Mikey." Michael softly held his shoulders, looking into his wild eyes.

"Mikey?" Ashton sounded like a child.

"I'm here, don't worry." Michael slipped under the duvet, hugging Ashton.

"Bad dream again." Ashton rested his head on Michael's shoulder.

A week had passed since Aiden had turned up in the hotel and Ashton's dreams had been getting increasingly worse.

"Hey just think, we have the concert tonight and then a month long break!" Michael reminded Ashton. "No seeing Aiden for a month."

"He'll find a way." Ashton sighed miserably. "He always will."

Michael tightened his hold on Ashton, knowing he couldn't persuade his friend otherwise. 

He hadn't been able to stop Ashton stumbling back into their hotel room or the tour bus with bruised lips and puffy eyes they'd hidden from Calum and Luke. He hadn't been able to stop the marks on Ashton's neck he helped to cover everyday with collared jackets and makeup. He could occasionally comfort Ashton; the only failure had been the days where Aiden almost had his way with Ashton. He hated it.

"Oh God Ash, I'm glad we'll get you away, even if it's only a matter of days." Michael sighed.

"I just wish I'd never met him." Ashton nuzzled his head into the crook of Michael's neck. 

"I wish you'd never met him too Ash."

 

 

 

 

It took two days for Ashton to even remotely relax around Luke and Calum when they'd moved into their home for a month.

"Ashton?" Luke stuck his head around the door. "We're watching a film, come watch it with us?"

"What film?" Ashton locked his phone and looked at Luke.

"Some horror one I've forgotten the name of." Luke shrugged.

"I hate horror films." Ashton sighed.

"You can sit on my knee and we can cuddle?" Luke put in his puppy dog eyes.

"Hmmm..." Ashton considered the offer.

"Me, Mikey, and Cal want to watch it." Luke pouted. "But we want you to watch it too."

"I won't be watching most of it." Ashton pointed out. "I'll have my face buried in your chest."

"So does that mean you'll watch it?" Luke looked hopeful.

"Fine." Ashton sighed.

Luke grinned before grabbing Ashton's hand and dragging him downstairs.

 

 

"I got him!" Luke announced triumphantly. "Pay up Clifford."

"I hate you." Michael sighed before handing over a slip of paper which to Ashton looked suspiciously like money. He looked at Ashton and laughed at the look of confusion on his face. "I thought Luke wouldn't be able to get you to come down and watch it."

Ashton let out a small laugh and rolled his eyes. "He offered me hugs. I can't say no to Hemmings Hugs."

"See boys, I'm irresistible." Luke smirked at Calum and Michael.

"Can we go on eBay and buy a new bandmate to replace Luke?" Michael asked Calum.

"Ashton's the oldest, ask him." Calum answered.

"Ashtooooon!" Michael dragged his name out.

"Yes?" Ashton raised an eyebrow.

"Can we get a new bandmate on eBay?" Michael asked.

"You wouldn't get rid of me would you?" Luke turned on the puppy dog eyes.

"Hmmm..." Ashton pretended to consider. "I think we'll keep Luke for now."

"But Ashton!" Michael whined.

"Yes Michael?" Ashton raised an eyebrow.

"I want a new bandmate." Michael huffed. "Luke sucks."

"Let's ditch Luke and Aiden can replace him." Calum grinned.

Ashton tensed and yelped loudly when Luke wrapped an arm around his shoulder, making him jump.

"Geez Ash!" Luke frowned. "You ok?"

Michael gave Ashton a worried look and Ashton sighed. "Made me jump, that's all."

"I guessed." Luke teased. "Now let's sit down and- is that a hickey?"

Ashton's eyes widened as Luke moved his shirt collar.

Michael was chewing on his lip anxiously and met Ashton's fearful stare.

"How many hickies do you have Ashton?" Luke asked him.

"Who the fuck are they off, that's what I wanna know!" Calum asked.

"Doesn't matter." Ashton mumbled, looking at the floor.

"Ashton, take your shirt off." Luke ordered.

Ashton's eyes went wide and he took a quivery step back. Luke had sounded like Aiden when he ordered to Ashton to take his shirt off, something which Ashton refused to do which resulted in either a slap across the face or Aiden getting the shirt off himself.

"Do it now." Luke's voice had a slight dangerous edge to it.

Michael immediately stood, shoving past Luke and wrapping the shaking Ashton up in his arms.

"Hey, hey it's alright, Mikey's here, Mikey's got you." Michael whispered softly in Ashton's ear.

"Michael let him go." Luke scowled. "He's going to have to show us at some point."

"Or at least tell us who they're off if you won't show us." Calum interjected.

"No, no, no, I can't." Ashton whimpered into Michael's ear.

"I'll start guessing if you don't tell me." Calum huffed.

"I'll guess with you." Luke scowled at Ashton and Michael but smiled at Calum.

"So we'll start with the easy ideas." Calum huffed.

"How about Michael?" Luke asked.

"Would be a good reason as to why he's so overprotective of Ashton." Calum added as if Michael wasn't stood there.

"Piss off the pair of you." Michael snapped.

"Well it wasn't me who gave him them." Calum shrugged.

"Neither did I." Luke added.

"So hmmmm... How about Aiden?" Calum questioned. "You do spend an awful lot of time with him."

Ashton tore out of Michael's arms and ran upstairs.

"Idiots." Michael spat and chased after Ashton.

 

 

Luke stood there frowning before dropping heavily onto the couch, putting his head in his hands. "Just when I was fixing things with him." He groaned.

"He won't tell us anything anymore. Ash keeps it all bottled up, only telling Michael who, let's be honest right now, can't keep a secret about anything." Calum added.

"If Ashton told you everything instead  would you have told me and Michael?" Luke couldn't help but ask.

"Depending on what it was. If it was something serious and private I'd keep it between the two of us." Calum shrugged.

"I'd do the same." Luke agreed. "But what could be so serious that Michael's not telling us?"

"I think it's connected to Aiden." Calum sighed. "Ashton ran out the room at the suggestion and when I joked about replacing you with Aiden he tensed up and freaked out when you touched him."

"Aiden?" Luke frowned. "But he was acting all secretive for a month beforehand, ever since that par-"

Luke stopped mid-sentence.

"Party Calum!" Luke's jaw dropped.

"No Luke, I don't want to throw a party." Calum rolled his eyes.

"No Calum, you don't get it! Where did Ashton say he and Aiden met?" Luke said quickly.

"At a party." Calum shrugged. "Wait... Party. Aiden said they'd met about a month beforehand. Ashton said a party."

Luke smirked as Calum figured it out before announcing one thing he'd obviously been waiting to say.

"Bitch, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I'm fabulous."


	7. Telling Luke and Calum the truth

"It's ok Ashton, Luke doesn't know, he didn't mean to sound like Aiden." Michael groaned as Ashton let out a whimper at the name Aiden.

"Couldn't they stop once I said I didn't want to tell?" Ashton sighed.

"Because they are persistent little fucks." Michael huffed.

"You're a persistent fucker too." Ashton poked Michael's cheek, his face brightening slightly.

"I know you are, what am I?" Michael grinned.

"Someone I may throw out the window." Ashton decided. "So be my bitch and cheer me up."

Michael so was not about to complain about Ashton's sudden change of mood.

"Oh how may I be your bitch and cheer my great master up?" Michael said sarcastically.

"I'm so taking advantage of this." Ashton grinned, forgetting he had been in tears moments before. "But not like He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named takes advantage of me." And his smile faltered.

"Can we just call him Voldemort?" Michael suggested.

"Because Voldemort taking advantage from me sounds any better." Ashton couldn't help but laugh.

"I could of said Shrek." Michael chuckled.

"Sick-minded freak. If you say anything with the words 'Shrek' 'love' and 'life' I'll actually kill you." Ashton threatened.

"I don't have a sick mind, I have a sexy imagination." Michael corrected him. 

"Keep thinking that." Ashton grimaced.

"Ash?" There was a knock at the door.

"I don't want to build a snowman, go away Luke." Ashton huffed.

"Funny." Michael hi-fived him.

"Ash please, can we talk?" Luke sighed. "We never see each other anymore, come out the door, it's like you've gone away."

"Are you actually singing Frozen?" Ashton asked.

"You started it." Luke retorted.

"Let it go Luke, we'll talk later." Ashton sighed.

"Ash please, I know it was Aiden." Luke huffed.

Ashton opened the door and Luke fell into his arms due to the fact Luke had been leaning on the door.

And due to the force of Luke falling the two ended up on the floor, Luke somehow straddling Ashton when he tried to sit up.

"Luke!" Ashton whined, trying to shove Luke off but Luke pinned his wrists to the floor above his head.

"I know it was Aiden who gave you the hickies." Luke said.

Ashton sighed. 

Right now he couldn't really lie could he?

"So he's your boyfriend then?" Luke asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"He's not my boyfriend." He stared into Luke's piercing blue eyes.

"He's far from Ashton's boyfriend." Michael interjected. "And don't mind me, continue straddling Ashton please, the Lashton fanfiction is coming true."

"Fanfiction?" Luke stopped staring down at Ashton and stared at Michael.

"You should read some." Michael nodded. "There are some seriously cute ones out there. But then there are some pretty steamy ones. Oh and ones that make you cry, do not read them, they put me in tears once."

"Fanfiction made you cry?" Luke asked.

"Lashton fanfiction." Ashton added.

"We discussing fanfiction?" Calum strolled in.

"Yep." Michael nodded. "Favourite ship?"

"Malum." Calum answered without skipping a beat.

Michael turned pink and Ashton finally managed to shove Luke off him, his shirt unfortunately riding up so you could see his bruised midriff.

"Ashton..." Michael mimed pulling the hem of his shirt down.

Ashton quickly did so before running and curling up on Michael's lap, hiding his head in Michael's shirt.

"Ashton, what the fuck was on your stomach?" Luke broke the silence.

Michael shook his head at Luke indicting he shouldn't press the issue.

"Mikey." Ashton's muffled voice sounded devastated.

"Yeah Ash?" Michael gently ran a hand through Ashton's hair.

"Tell Luke to piss off." Ashton muttered.

"Luke; Ashton says piss off." Michael parroted.

"C'mon Ash, talk to me and Cal, please." Luke groaned.

"You won't understand." Ashton huffed.

"Try me." Luke snapped.

"You thought Aiden was his boyfriend, believe me, he isn't." Michael scowled.

"He isn't?" Calum raised an eyebrow.

"Then who is Ashton seeing?" Luke asked.

"Nobody." Michael said truthfully. "Nobody at all."

"Then who are all the hickies and stuff off?" Luke asked. "And how did his stomach get all bruised?"

"Because of a complete and utter twatbag who can't keep his wandering hands to himself." Michael scowled.

"Huh?" Calum frowned.

"What do you mean?" Luke asked.

"Ashton didn't want a certain someone's filthy mouth all over him but everytime he tries to shove him away another fist shaped bruise appears on his stomach." Michael scowled.

"What?" Calum's jaw dropped.

"Who did it Ash?" Luke asked gently.

"Can I have a hug Lukey?" Ashton asked.

"Am I not good enough for you?" Michael asked, trying to sound offended.

"No!" Ashton's eyes widened, taking Michael seriously. "You're perfect, I'm sorry, I-"

"Ash, calm down I was kidding!" Michael said quickly. 

"Oh..." Ashton visibly relaxed.

"Say Ash, if I give you a hug will you tell me and Cal who did this to you?" Luke asked gently. 

Ashton nodded slowly and extended his arms out towards Luke who immediately ran over and lifted Ashton off Michael's lap and onto his own, wrapping his arms around Ashton tightly. 

"Aiden." Ashton said softly.

"But you said Aiden wasn't your boyfriend." Calum looked puzzled. 

"That's because he isn't." Michael shook his head. "Aiden is anything but. They met at a party where Aiden was a little forceful about kissing Ashton when the three of us weren't there to pull him off Ash. And then he threatened Ashton afterwards about seeing him soon, which sure enough, a month later he's back. And there's 'a problem' with Ashton's drums. And it goes on."

"Oh god, Aiden's really done all that?" Luke tightened his hold on Ashton. "Is Aiden the reason you relapsed?"

Ashton just nodded, trying not to meet anyone's eyes.


End file.
